Ever heard someone say they can't relate to someone with kids because "I don't care about their kids' pooping schedules?" I had heard that descriptor in that context for years and thought it was a joke. Being one of the first of my friends to have a baby, I didn't really get to experience that annoyance with a friend but now, I'm telling you, I get it.
Babies get constipated. And it is a horrible thing to behold.
Their digestive tracts are new, they're adjusting to formula or new food, and they don't move enough to make things move, so babies get gas and they get REALLY uncomfortable. It's probably the worst screaming you will ever hear (unless your 16-month-old has Foot-And-Mouth Disease and it's 3 AM and you don't realize his drooling mouth is full of blisters and he's running a semi-fever and can't communicate and you've been sleeping through the night for a year and are completely delirious and the screams just...won't...stop!) and it will echo in your head forever (just like the Foot-And-Mouth screams actually). I'm telling you, you will GET obsessed with their pooping schedule if you have to deal with it even once.
If they told you in family life class about how dramatically the baby-deconstipation process plays out in your relationship, teen pregnancy would be a thing of the past. We have come together and apart over baby poop - and no one told us. When I say we've come together, I mean our child was 3 weeks old when my sister handed me a glycerin suppository and, with an understanding but evil smile, sent my husband and me into my parents' guest room. "Now it's your turn," she said. That would be the soundtrack to the romance in our relationship dying if the guy hadn't seen me in labor a few weeks prior.
Before it gets that bad but when I realize it's been a while for the kid, I try talking quietly and rubbing the baby's stomach downward. My husband runs their little legs and shakes their little heinies to get some motion going. Honestly, his method is MUCH more effective, but I'm too scared to try it. Not just because you're moving uncooperative legs on an 8-pound creature, but because you can't know when things are going to suddenly... happen. Babies are cruel beings like that.
And newborn poops are the worst. It's like liquid kryptonite and all of the newborn detergents seem too gentle for the task. It's like you need to burn the cute little clothes to get them fully clean (or throw baking soda in with the wash).
I say this because I am sitting on a chair at 1 AM and just heard her first poop... of yesterday... from across the room. It sounds like that diaper has taken it like a total champ.
Unlike that diaper, I am not built for this crap (pun intended). My feelings are mixed: fear of what lies ahead of me and relief that we've fought off constipation for one more day.
Then, ultimately, for the next 24 hours, I will feel the words on the tip of my tongue as I try to NOT tell everyone about how much joy this child's latest poop brought me.
