The Utility of Dogs

I gave the kids Pop-tarts for breakfast, because I am lazy and that is what they wanted.  Pretty soon, I realized the dog had eaten half of each child's breakfast because kids love to feed dogs and dogs eat everything.  I shouldn't complain: Madigan's obsessive floor-licking puts every mop or vacuum to shame.  Don't tell my husband, but last week, when we woke to find the cats had flipped Sebastian's dinner plate of spaghetti sauce on the floor, I didn't vacuum - I just let the dog go to town.  Then I gave her a treat, which happened to be 3/4 of two hard boiled egg yolks that the kids handed to me.  The dog was a great free investment.

Let me be clear: I'm not proud right now.  This is not a high point for me.  I'm using the dog to do half my dirty work and turning my kids into Suburban Tarzans.  Audrey was sitting on the floor, wearing nothing but a diaper with big girl underwear on top (I'm working on that, I swear this will only last a week... or so...) and happily feeding her Pop-tart to the dog.  Meanwhile, I was reading about the Pope retirement as a reward for getting the dishwasher unloaded.

Then I decided to get productive, so I called a 1-800 number about funding for a work certification.  The kids were starting a movie, Audrey finally had a dress on, what could go wrong?

Once I'm giving my information, Sebastian reminds me that I forgot to get him a strawberry popsicle.  Oh, of course if he gets one I better get one for Audrey so I don't have her screaming in the background.  I hand a popsicle to each of the kids, who happily eat them while I wait to be transferred. And now, I transition into the happy sunset of talking about my career while my kids eat and my dog sits quietly...

...Waiting for Audrey to get so engrossed in the movie, she doesn't notice the dog eating her popsicle.  Do you know how professional you sound on the phone when you scream in surprise and smack a dog on the nose?  And Audrey's crying, and Sebastian says he doesn't want his popsicle anymore, so you take Audrey's dog-tainted treat and switch it with his.  Problem solved, let's talk career!

Nope, sharing is caring, and Audrey's great at both.  The dog likes popsicles, and the dog just got yelled at, so we can keep the dog from being sad with... more popsicle!  This is the moment Audrey learned that when you try to make a dog happy, she will lick you.  And if you are holding a popsicle in a dog's mouth with the express purpose of making the dog happy while your hand is covered in melted popsicle, the dog will absolutely go to town.

So Audrey screamed.  Really loud.  And she dropped her popsicle on the carpet.  The dog tried to save the moment by frantically licking up the evidence, since she knew she'd spend the rest of the day in a popsicle-less backyard.  I grabbed a wipe for Audrey, who was covered in popsicle, while I tried to talk over the rising volume of the TV that Sebastian was "fixing."  I tried to cover the moment with cogent questions about my professional certification, but really I think the young and childless woman on the phone was this close to getting "accidentally" disconnected.

Now that I'm off the phone more confused than I was before I called, the house is silent.  Both children are content, having only eaten half a Pop-tart and half a popsicle.  The dog is outside, waiting for the moment when I spill something and need her services, or later this afternoon when the kids will peel a hard boiled egg and require yolk disposal.

There is no evidence anywhere of the chaos from only a little bit ago.  That's especially thanks to the dog, who ensured the popsicle-covered carpet is cleaner than Dyson could ever have made it.