Curing the Common Cold

I figured out how to cure the common cold.

Step 1: Find a Very Wealthy Person
(You need funding if you want to cure anything.)

Step 2: Find a Toddler With a Cold
(Why look!  My daughter Audrey has a nasty one!)

Step 3: Bring These People Together to Create a Bond
(I'll drop Audrey at the rich person's house and they will become best friends)

Step 4: Keep Them Together Until the Wealthy Person Understands the Need for the Cure
(It won't take long: This week, I watched Audrey wipe her walrus tusk-looking nose on her arm, then use the same arm to push her hair out of her face, slicking her hair back into a snot helmet.  DONE.  I couldn't eat for the rest of the day.  She needs to just repeat that performance in front of the wealthier person who can do something about it.)
(NOTE TO SELF - Before we cure the cold, could drop her off at a high school health class to solve teen pregnancy)

Step 5: Take Pictures of the Wealthy Person and the Kid to Market the Cure
(Make sure the kid looks CUTE and HAPPY)

Step 6: NEVER SUFFER AGAIN

Sure, there's more money in treating a cold than there is in curing the cold - otherwise NyQuil would have figured it out by now.  Once someone sees a child go from adorable little girl to snot-walrus to snot-helmet, they'll understand why the treatment money isn't worth the suffering of parents everywhere.  For every child who gets a cold, there's a family who cannot stomach dinner.
(NOTE TO SELF - Before we cure the cold, could use child to cure obesity in families)

No!  As many ailments as this can prevent, I cannot live in disgusted fear anymore.  I've been stashing toilet paper rolls in various places around the house because I keep seeing that disgusting creature walk towards me with her yucky face.  I'm always backed into a corner, saying "Oh!  Oh!  Oh Honey!  Just a minute!  Don't move!  ONE Second..." and then I finally find something to wipe her nose and I have to wrestle her while she tosses her head side to side with all her strength.

The common cold destroys family relationships.  It's time for a cure.  I think people would be too disgusted for the Light Green Ribbon campaign, so this is the only way.

I'm off to find a Texas Oil Millionaire to make this happen!