Rules for a Two-Year-Old Girl

Rules for a Two-Year-Old Girl
1. The two-year-old girl does not get to do her own nail polish.
2. When that two-year-old girl finds mascara, she should not open it, paint her hands, and then hand it, open, to her unsuspecting mom.
3. The remote control is not the property or responsibility of the two-year-old girl.
4. A two-year-old girl should stay dressed for more than an hour.
5. A two-year-old girl should keep her diaper on.
6. A two-year-old girl does not need to apply her own diaper cream before lunch.
7. A two year old girl should not brush Cool Whip through her hair.
8. A two-year-old girl does not need to put half of a banana on the floor of the dog crate when she's done with it.
9. When that two-year-old girl gets a popsicle in spite of her behavior, she should not set said popsicle on the clean kitchen floor.
10. If that two-year-old girl puts another entire roll of toilet paper into that toilet, so help me...

Rules for the Mother of a Two-Year-Old Girl
1. The warranty on children does not last two years, so you cannot return your two-year-old girl even if she has broken each one of these rules before noon.
2. A crying two-year-old girl will not tell you where the mascara-Cool-Whip-banana-covered remote control is while she's yelling "I dorry!" into your shoulder.
3. Put the nail polish on a high shelf, every time.
4. Buy a new toilet plunger since the last one broke during the last incident with that other entire roll of toilet paper in the toilet.

And most importantly...

5. When it gets to be too much, pick up your half-naked, fed, squirmy two-year-old girl and take her to your big bed, where you can steal her nose, tickle her belly, and play hide-and-seek under the covers  and you know she'll be safely away from make-up, food, and toilets.  (Just make sure she keeps the diaper on.)

Best. Idea. EVER.